Files
by RaeLynn Skye
Summary: If you're tired of fics that take themselves too seriously, or just tired of drearieness, this is a fic you should read. It's Alias as you've never seen it before, funny, wierded out, and alltogether romantic-comedic fun.
1. Chapter 1

WARNING: these emails were written during the first season and early second season of the show, and while they don't make any sense to the naked eye, we think that they're especially good, because most of these things did generally happen on the show (well, except for a couple of them.)  
Email 1:  
  
I am your handler. He He He  
Email 2:  
  
I am *your* handler...hehehe,  
Email 3:  
  
"I am your super sexy CIA handler"  
  
"Oh stop-it Mr. Vaughn, I don't like how you have been handling me"  
  
...  
  
Syd gets up from a dream  
  
"Too bad the hockey thing didn't work out."  
Email 4:  
  
"I'm your handler, now let me handle you."  
  
"Go ahead, but can't we go to a hockey game first?"  
  
"What are you trying to kill me?"  
  
"No, I just really like hockey, a lot."  
Email 5:  
  
"I'm your handler, now let me handle you."  
  
"Go ahead, but can't we go to a hockey game first?"  
  
"What are you trying to kill me?"  
  
"No, I just really like hockey, a lot."  
  
"Will likes Hockey doesn't he?"  
  
"No, he likes figure skating...I think he's gay!"  
  
"Will, huh...he always was really sexy!"  
  
"Hello, you are supposed to love me!"  
  
"I am sorry, but I am not attracted to female robots. Give me Will's number, ok?"  
  
"Goodbye, I don't want you to be my handler anymore."  
  
"That's ok, I would rather be Will's handler. Syd-ney Phone Home"  
  
Sydney kills Vaughn and then she makes out with his dead body  
Email 5:  
"Vaughn, you are nice and all...but I think that Will is great...HE can actually go to a hockey game with me."  
  
Vaughn calls up SD6 and Sloane  
  
"That Will guy knows everything."  
  
"Who is this?"  
  
Uhhhhh, no one...good bye!"  
  
"Agent Bristow (her dad) kill Will he knows too much" Says Sloane  
  
"alright...but first let's you and me get it on. I am your handler!"  
  
30 minutes later...after some weird sick fun... Will is killed  
  
Sydney comes in to Vaughn's office "My love life is too confusing...I think that I give up on men. First that doctor that sings now Will. Thank God that Francie dumped her boyfriend. Do you think I should call her so we can go to a hockey game?"  
  
2 days later Francie dies because she "knows too much about sd6"  
  
Sydney gives up on the human race and moves her attention to...  
  
Vaughn becomes a hunter.  
  
Well that's how I think it would go.  
  
After all she is a robot... 


	2. Chapter 2

Resurection  
  
AN: IF this has been an interesting trip, or is bothering you, you may want to stop reading right here and now. If you've enjoyed it so far, keep going, it only gets better.  
  
Email 6:  
  
"Vaughn, Come on, um...we have to find some way to...um, get together...no, I meant, defeat SD6."  
  
"Of course, we really do need to find some way to get toge...I mean, defeat the SD6 monster."  
  
"Yes, I think that we should just do it right here, on the floor...I mean, um...shoot Sloane."  
  
"Yes, I think it's a good idea, let's get it on...I mean, yes, shoot Sloane."  
  
Inner monologue, Sydney Drat, I can't believe I've let it slip twice that I want to sleep with him, and he doesn't seem all angry about it...hmmm...  
  
Vaughn, inner monologue Wait, did I hear wrong (Flashback) ::"Get together..." "Do it right here on the floor.":: (end of flashback) NO, I certainly didn't hear wrong  
  
They attack eachother simultaneously, kissing, and rolling about on the floor.  
  
~Meanwhile~  
  
Sloane is on the floor with the robotic Sydney he invented after his wife died...because he secretly loves Sydney...he unbuttons his pants.  
  
Robo-Sydney: "Ewww, what is that?"  
  
Sloane: "That's well, let me show you."  
  
Sydney, who had been compliant up to that point jumps up and runs away. Sloane attacks her and they have some weird sick fun on the floor.  
  
~Meanwhile~  
  
Sydney's father and her mother are lying on the floor after a heavy bout of sex. (no, I can't believe I just wrote that)  
  
Fathers inner monologue: Wow, I'm really glad I managed to locate Sydney's mother's body and resurrect her with my evil SD6 magic.  
  
Mothers inner monologue Wow, that was nice, but I wonder who he is...all of those years in the grave were really hard on my brain, in fact, it's almost all gone...ah well  
  
She giggles and rolls over for another hot bout of sex...  
  
~Meanwhile~  
  
Sydney and Vaughn are panting, and naked on the cold hard cement of the warehouse. "Wow." Vaughn says. "You're really good at that for a robot."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Well, aren't you a robot?"  
  
"No. I don't know who you heard that from."  
  
"Joe's mother."  
  
"Who's Joe?"  
  
"Well, didn't you know, he's the weird author of e-mails sent about us to Tom."  
  
"I'm not a robot Vaughn."  
  
"Alright." He pauses. "Lets do it again then."  
  
"Cool." She says, then short circuits.  
  
"Drat, I guess I'll have to make another Sydney Robot." (They're everywhere)  
  
"Bzztt."  
  
The real Sydney: "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH. What's going on here?"  
  
"Um...nothing." Vaughn says, attempting to cover robo-sydney2 with a tarp, and himself with his pants, at the same time and failing miserably.  
  
"You're odd." She says. "Wanna get it on?"  
  
"Sure." He says, and they do it, again, *Is she a robot though? No one knows... 


	3. Chapter 3

College meets ALIAS  
  
AN: This is a crossover with Felicity. If you like Felicity, you may be offended by this email, and should probably not read it. Skip ahead.a couple emails. But anyways, if you are having fun.keep on doing it!  
  
Email 7:  
  
A curly haired girl walks into Vaughn's office  
  
"Hi, I am Felicity, I am from that other show this guy created that no one watches"  
  
"Hello, do you work for SD-6? We could always use more double agents for me to get it on with"  
  
"No...uh, but I need the CIA to help me solve a problem. I don't know who I should choose, Noel or Ben. I mean Ben is really nice and he's a doctor and everything. But Noel is really hot, even though he is married to Sydney, but I don't know, rumors have it that she's getting it on with someone else now..."  
  
"Sydney???"  
  
"Yes, well her alias name is Sydney but her real name is *beep*. She uses Sydney only to her customers"  
  
"So there really is no SD-6?"  
  
"No...only in Sydney's act, anyway...can you help me solve this problem. I mean, there are only 11 more episodes before my show gets cancelled and I really need to know who I should be with?"  
  
"I can't believe she lied to me...she must not have wanted to sleep with me at all...what a bitch. I mean I am a nice guy, I gave up Alice for Sydney...crap. So, there probably wasn't even a Will, she probably lied about him too."  
  
"No, there really is a Will, I slept with him in episode 4."  
  
"Everything...she lied about everything. That must have been a sympathy date when she asked me to go with her to a hockey game. There isn't even a Danny either is there?"  
  
"No, there is a Danny, I slept with him in episode 2."  
  
"I don't believe this...she played me like a fool."  
  
"Oh, could you just shut-up about Sydney already. I am a hooker could you please just pay me so we can get it on."  
  
"WHAT?" Vaughn finally pays attention to Felicity.  
  
"How else do you think I pay for school? Oh, and by the way...Sydney is great in bed. Guys pay big bucks for her act."  
  
"What act?"  
  
"As an erotic spy who calls her customers handler and lets them handle her." 


	4. Chapter 4

College meets ALIAS part 2.  
  
AN: Same as before. : ) But personally, I think that if you really do like Felicity, you might still enjoy these.I don't know.I would.Love you all (in a totally platonic sense).  
  
Email 8:  
  
Vaughn receives a message on his CIA message machine, which goes something like this:  
  
"Vaughn *Pant, pant* you're so deliciously hot. *Pant pant* This is Felic...I mean Sydney. *Pant pant* You should come to the warehouse immediately. *Pant pant* Um, and if you do, we can get it on on the cold hard ground. *Pant pant* Please, come quick, otherwise I might explode, because I'm a robot, you know."  
  
Vaughn runs quickly to the warehouse place where he and Sydney usually meet. he is shocked to find a totally naked girl, who isn't Sydney, laying on the cold hard floor...Unfortunately he is naked as well, because he quickly striped while running through the halls to get to the warehouse room they meet in. "well shoot." He says...  
  
Felicity grabs him and pulls him to the floor with her...Suddenly Sydney walks into the warehouse, as naked as all of them, apparently having gotten a message similar to the one Vaughn got. "Vaughn!" She screams when she sees him in a compromising situation with Felicity on the floor.  
  
Felicity is openly panting. *Pant pant*. Then she laughs out loud, at Sydney. "Hahaha, Sydney, you should have known I would get you back for marrying one of my boyfriends, Noel."  
  
Sydney looks confused. "What are you talking about you evil psycho woman? and get off of my Vaughn."  
  
"You married My Noel, my dear dear hottie boyfriend. I can't believe you would stoop so low."  
  
"What are you talking about?" Sydney says again, as Vaughn gets up and comes over to Sydney, conspiratorially whispering: "I think she's a nut case." Sydney nods.  
  
Slowly Felicity realizes that these people think that they are actually the characters that they play on television. No, no, she suddenly thinks, maybe she has walked into a strange alter-reality, and they are actually the people they claim to be. "Oh, well shit." She says, looking to Sydney and Vaughn, who, while she was pondering have gotten themselves into their own compromising situation. She walks over to them and breaks up their situation. "this is not suitable for young viewers." She says. "I'm going now."  
  
"Thank god." Sydney and Vaughn say simultaneously. felicity leaves. Vaughn and Sydney get it on on the floor (the cold hard floor, mind you). 


	5. Chapter 5

A New Beginning (or, how the SICO files got its name)  
  
AN: If you're still reading this, you don't even need to pay attention to the author note.this didn't come from anything in the show, really.just our own minds (and we don't know which is scarier.)  
  
Email 9:  
  
Sydney walks into the CIA office, no disguise, no nothing.  
  
Vaughn walks up behind her. "Sydney" He yells. "What are you doing here? YOU could be killed. I could be killed."  
  
"NO, Vaughn, you don't understand, I killed Sloane last night, and I also killed the rest of the people who are in charge at SD-6."  
  
"How did you manage to do that?" Vaughn asks, suspicious of Sydney's rumpled hair, the lipstick--obviously not hers--on her cheek, the clothes which look as if they were quickly done.  
  
"Well, Sloane was having an orgy--you know his wife died last week--and he invited me. Obviously, all of the high level SD-6 peeps were also invited, and so we all got it on, and then--late at night--when they were all sleeping, I killed them all. SO now we're safe, and we can be together."  
  
"Sydney, how could you?" Vaughn asked. "I thought that we were going to have a monogamous relationship."  
  
"Well, we are, starting now."  
  
"Oh, OK." Vaughn relents, and begins kissing Sydney. Then they do it on the floor of the hallway, many people walking around.  
  
Apparently the show has gotten kinky.  
"Alias changes its name to...Sex in the CIA Office,  
  
The preview..  
  
"While waiting for Vaughn at a dinner in Yugoslavia. Sydney finds a really attractive woman named Boban. Sydney decides that it is time to try different things. Does Sydney cheat on Vaughn??? Watch Sunday in the episode titled 'The Sickest Undercover Mission Ever...A Sex Change" 


	6. Chapter 6

Time for the Switcheroo.  
  
Email 10:  
  
Resting her head on her hands, Sydney waits impatiently for Vaughn. Unfortunately, she doesn't know that Vaughn has been held up at the airport, and his flight won't be in for another hour.  
  
From across the room Boban, the sexy Yugoslavian waitress/part-time- prostitute watches her.  
  
Suddenly Sydney's eyes get drawn to Boban, Boban looks at her slyly. A waiter comes up to Sydney with a drink, her favorite, a raspberry daiquiri, "Excuse me." Sydney says, staring at the uncommon drink with lust. "But I didn't order this."  
  
"I know madam, the woman at the bar ordered it for you."  
  
"Well, get her something as well, on me." Sydney says, completely out of character, but grateful for the drink, her favorite.  
  
Suddenly Boban walks up to Sydney. "Excuse me." She says in a heavy Yugoslavian accent. "Would you like to go home with me?"  
  
"What?" Sydney asks.  
  
"Only a thousand dollars for the night." (Yugoslavian dollars, which are worth less than American dollars, may I add, about one two hundredth)  
  
"You're a prostitute?" Sydney asks Boban.  
  
"Yes, the name is Boban."  
  
Sydney, intrigued at the idea of a cheap, quick romp in the sack with a woman (something she has never done before). Quickly agrees, and goes running out the door with Boban, the waiter follows, screaming "You didn't pay your bill!"  
  
Email 11:  
  
(Internet add) "If you're afraid about your boss reading your emails, get a new email protector by Lycas (name changed to protect authors from copy write sue-ing)"  
  
Sydney's boss, Sloane reads her emails to Boban...this is after she and her had an affair. I think he is actually dead...but I am not sure. He is alarmed to know that Sydney has converted over...to the other side.... Because his wife died and he wants a trophy wife in Sydney.  
  
Meanwhile, Sydney is in Rome with Vaughn. Vaughn seems to be an incredibly large bore to Sydney who misses Boban terribly. Boban doesn't really miss Sydney because she has her money and has other work to do, but Sydney is overly attached to the attractive Yugoslavian girl. (if she is a girl at all.)  
  
Vaughn seems to be unhappy with his relationship with Sydney and warns that they should see a councilor about their unhealthy relationship. Vaughn tells Sydney that he has been attracted to a man named Boban whom me meet after he got off the plane. He said that Boban was a male stripper and he couldn't really understand what it was about him, but he fell madly in love. He also mentioned that Boban was dressed in woman's clothes.  
  
Sydney terrified from the news that her love Boban was actually a man, tells Vaughn that she doesn't want to see him anymore. Vaughn says that's ok, because he has also been cheating on her with a girl named Jillian. But then he said that although Jillian was good in bed, she was never as good as Sydney. Sydney finds this incredibly sweet and decides to get back together with Vaughn.  
  
They take a plane back to LA...a 9hour plane ride...they were locked in the bathroom together the whole time. When Sydney yelled out Boban's name...Vaughn stopped. He then said "I miss Laura Westover."  
  
They realize that they have a problem. Erin, the ugly flight attendant opens the door on them crying in the bathroom naked. She informs them that their flight has been taken over by a terrorist named Will Tippin (fear not, dear readers, this is not a SCARY email.just a funny one.) who got insanely mad after hearing that Sydney was a lesbian. Sydney tells the flight attendant that she is no longer a lesbian...but she did find Erin attractive. She said she would go talk to Will, then she told Vaughn that she would agree to see a councilor.  
  
Sydney walks in on the pilot Will, but she forgot to get dressed...  
  
Will, waiting in the pilots cabin for Sydney loses his nerve when he sees her naked breast poke through the cabin door and opens the door to the outside, jumps, realizes he doesn't have a parachute and plummets to his death in the icy water below.  
  
Sydney enters the cabin, notices that Will isn't there, and lets the real pilot back in to fly. She then notices her nudity and walks back to the bathroom to change into some clothes.  
  
Vaughn and Sydney sit back in their seats, waiting for the plane ride to be over, and mutually decide to break up and get together with their mutual loves (Vaughn and Laura Westover/Jillian/Melissa/(whoever else he's getting it on with), Sydney and Erin) because it just wasn't working out between them.  
  
The also decide, mutually, to totally get over Boban, who played them for all they were worth. Meanwhile, Boban, the incredibly sexy Yugoslavian transvestite/hermaphrodite who was a part time waitress/waiter and a part time prostitute was sitting in Sydney's bedroom waiting for her to come back home. She missed Sydney desperately (or at least the money she made), and hopefully he would also get to meet up with Vaughn after her little liaison with Sydney. Two times the fun. Two times the pay.  
  
Meanwhile, Sydney and Erin are making out in the cab back to her house, they stumble out of the car, still making out and then finally stumble into Sydney's bedroom where Boban sees them and decides not to interrupt their fun, sneaking out of the bedroom with the skills she learned in her two month job as a spy for the eastern European government.  
  
Then she leaves to go and see Vaughn. 


	7. Chapter 7

As the Office Turns.  
  
AN: Well,.um.now that you've gotten this far, I think it's probably fair to assume that you think that the authors of these emails are.on crack! But... we're not! Well...not right now.  
  
Vaughn is waiting in his bedroom for the incredibly mean, stupid, domineering, controlling, evil, gum-chewing Laura Westover.  
  
Boban walks in. At first Vaughn is overcome with lust at the sight of his ex-lover, but then he gets himself under control and tells him to leave.  
  
"But why Vaughn, we had so much fun in Yugoslavia." He says in a masculine type voice.  
  
"Because you played Sydney and me, and it's not right, plus, I'm waiting for my true love, the incredibly mean, stupid, domineering, controlling, evil, gum-chewing Laura Westover."  
  
"Of course." Boban says, walking out of Vaughn's bedroom, realizing that she should not be a prostitute anymore, and walking strait into Sloane. "Well hello." She says to Sloane.  
  
"Who are you?" Sloane says, his eyes glazing over with lust.  
  
"I am Boban." She says (She is a transvestite after all).  
  
"Let's go to bed Boban." Sloane says.  
  
Boban agrees. Maybe this one last night as a prostitute, or maybe this ugly old man would take her as a slave, or a mistress, or something, and she wouldn't have to be a prostitute anymore. Whatever, she was attracted to him whoever he is, or would do.  
  
Laura Westover walks by, suspiciously eyeing the two people laying on the hard concrete in front of Vaughn's house and having their sick sick fun. Laura Westover walks in to find Vaughn setting the table, with a glass of wine in his hand for her, and a rose in his other hand  
  
"Hello." She says.  
  
"Hello." Vaughn says. "You know how I was with Sydney?" He asked her.  
  
"I'd rather not talk about it." Laura Westover says.  
  
"I am not anymore." He says, handing her the rose, setting the glass of wine on the table and pulling her into his arms to make out with her, then leading her into the bedroom. They do their thing on the bed.  
  
~ ~ ~  
  
Meanwhile, Erin and Sydney are lying on the bed, out of breath from their fun. "Erin." Sydney says, Erin replies by nodding, she is to out of breath to speak. "Well, you know how you are a stewardess and all?" Erin nods again. "How do you think this'll work out if you are having to travel a lot?"  
  
"Sydney." Erin says. "I have to tell you something. I am not really a stewardess, I'm really an agent for SD-6, like you, and I'm also a double agent (double your delightment.with the right mint! For refreshment it's the only one.double mint, doublemint.gom!), like you, and when you go into the office on Monday, Sloane will tell you that we're going to be partners, and you have to act surprised...OK?"  
  
Sydney nods. 


	8. Chapter 8

Actually Laura Westover.  
  
AN: This was written before we knew that they could clone people.well.yeah.what can we say, we're like Miss Cleo, psychics.though we don't have Jamaican accents. But listen, honestly. Where do these people get their ideas for ALIAS? (The best show on earth.) P.S. We don't like Laura Westover Very much. No offense to Laura Westover, I mean, all we're saying is that she's the most wanted terrorist in the world.but really we love her.we just don't like her.  
  
Email 12:  
  
The next day in the office.  
  
Erin quits the show because she gets a better gig working on Sex in the City. This is how they write her off the show...  
  
The CIA discovers something in the prophecy that they hadn't seen before. "We were wrong about you Sydney...it isn't you who will kill the world...it is Erin. We killed her yesterday."  
  
"No, not another one? Will I ever be happy!"  
  
"I am sorry, I know you were attached to her, but we should warn you...she was just using you on her plot to take over the world. She is very clever and strong. She came very close to riding the world of C-SAP tests, and bad episodes of Alias, but we shut her down before she could get very far. HA HA HA!"  
  
"She used me??? How sad" Sydney cried for a long time. The only person who could cheer her up was Vaughn, who grew tired of Laura Westover.  
  
Laura Westover changed her identity to Sloane, after Erin killed him. Laura Westover was a very ugly horrible guy, much worse than the original Sloane! Vaughn missed Sydney horribly. Sydney missed Erin. One day Sydney met up with Sloane (actually Laura Westover) and decided that he was very attractive for some reason. Sloane (actually Laura Westover) and Sydney had an affair. Sydney didn't realize that she was cheating on Vaughn by using his x-girlfriend slash boss (who was very bad in bed) who was actually Laura Westover. . . Did I mention that it was Laura Westover...Sloane was Laura Westover. But Sydney didn't like how Sloane was in the sack and she decided to make up with Vaughn and breaks up with Sloane (actually Laura Westover)!  
  
Sydney meets Vaughn at his office.  
  
"Did you hear that it's all over? They know I wasn't part of the prophecy. It was Erin."  
  
"I know. I was shocked for you Sydney. I just wanted you to know that I really missed you."  
  
"You did?"  
  
"Yeah, they're is no one in the world like you Sydney."  
  
"They're is no one in the world like you Vaughn. Let's forget that I ever had this fling with women and you with that Laura Westover girl"  
  
"Ok, but...Laura Westover was horrible in bed."  
  
"So was Slone (actually Laura Westover)... I mean uhhh. I never got it on with my boss."  
  
Sydney and Vaughn go back to the old days when they made crazy animal sex in the CIA office until next episode. 


	9. Chapter 9

Vampiric.or "THEY JUST DON'T DIE!"  
  
AN: This is a strange Email.if it bores you (heaven forbid) skip it, there's more non-Erin and non-Laura Westover-y goodness ahead. This was written after realizing that no one dies on the show.I mean really, when was the last time someone died? NEVER! (Well, maybe Francie, but she was evil)  
  
Email 13:  
  
Laura Westover quits the show as well, because of the oddness of her roll these days and joins sex in the city with Erin. But they are not the actresses on the show, but the authors. The show gets way way too nutty, and they are fired from there. They return to Sex in the CIA office.  
  
This is how they get written back in:  
  
Erin and Laura Westover walk into the CIA office hand in hand... and walk up to that guy who is the leader of the CIA in LA, or SF or wherever they are. "Hi!" They both say.  
  
"Hello." That guy says.  
  
Vaughn walks up. "Laura Westover?" He is temporarily swamped with love and lust and all of those other things, but quickly quashes them because he knows that she is with this other girl (He and Erin have never met) and that she had to have run away from him for a reason.  
  
"Vaughn." She says.  
  
"I can't believe you left me." HE says, and pulls out a semi-automatic rifle and shoots them both many times.  
  
"What are you doing Vaughn? You just killed one of our previously best spies, before we killed her--and how did she get back alive I wonder--and Laura Westover (that's not a huge loss). I can't believe you."  
  
"Yes, well, boss guy, sorry, I didn't mean to, but it just happened."  
  
"OH." He says, forgiving Vaughn quickly.  
  
Unseen, beside them, Laura Westover and Erin quickly recover from the 192874 gunshot wounds that were inflicted upon them and stand up. "Why are you guys so dead set on killing us?" Erin asks.  
  
"Because you don't die. Why. Don't. You. Die?" Boss man asks.  
  
"Well, because we wanted to just show up on the show for a while before we became the writers, duh! OH, and we're actually Vampires, and we don't like you, and we're immortal, and we like to be alive." They say simultaneously.  
  
"OH." Says boss man, all of the people quickly realize that boss man isn't really so smart.  
  
"Well, that's all." Says Laura Westover.  
  
"Yes, let's commit mutual suicide Laura Westover, so we can go back to writing the show."  
  
"Fine." Laura Westover says, she grabs Vaughn's gun and gives it to Erin. "Ladies first."  
  
"But you're a lady too." Says Erin.  
  
"Oh, you're right." Says Laura Westover. Erin shoots her many times, then shoots herself.  
  
But are they really dead? Tune in again next week to find out. 


	10. Chapter 10

The Shortest Email Ever.DEATH!  
  
AN: This is odd.just odd.  
  
Email 14:  
  
Vaughn finds Sydney in their bedroom, but she is dead. Oh well, he thinks to himself, and walks over to Sydney, having his wild fun with the dead girl.  
  
Sydney wakes up, she was actually fainted. "What are you doing Vaughn?" She asks him.  
  
"Um, nothing Hun." HE says, realizing that that was the best sex he'd ever had, of course, he is attracted to dead people. Maybe he should have sex with Laura Westover again, she's dead. And then Erin, and who else died recently? Oh, yes, Sydney's mother. He wonders if he is also attracted to dead men...but no, he probably isn't. Ah well.  
  
He leaves Sydney and finds dead people to have his crazy fun with. 


	11. Chapter 11

Bubble Gum.(and no Laura Westover)  
  
AN: This is the Gyp way that we think JJ will make Season three happen.it was all a dream.JJ! No! You shouldn't! idiot! Felicity was bad enough. End Rant. So, here's a new Boban Plot Line for those of you who missed him.her.it, Enjoy.  
  
Email 15:  
  
Tom and Joe, the best writers of Sex in the CIA offices decide to start over with a whole brand new plotline. Starting off right where Vaughn and Sydney visit Yugoslavia and meet Boban.  
  
Boban, the sexy Yugoslavian Waitress/waiter/part time prostitute finds someone more interesting than Sydney to go after that night.  
  
Sydney is all alone in her hotel room when she hears the phone ring. She answers it "Hello?"  
  
"Yes, this is the police calling, we're at your door, please open up."  
  
"But you haven't even knocked." Just then the knocking sounds.  
  
"Yes we have."  
  
"You're right." She says, and gets up to open the door, not realizing that she is only wearing some sort of translucent lingerie, which is inappropriate for the police to see.  
  
She opens the door. "Hello." Says the policeman. "May I come in."  
  
"Yes you may." Sydney says, noticing that it is not actually a policeman, but actually Vaughn in a wig and a police outfit.  
  
"I am afraid that we have come to the information that someone with the initials SB has snuck some illegal bubblegum into the country, and we must apprehend her before she gets the bubblegum to the people. Can't have Yugoslavians blowing bubbles, it's very bad for their health."  
  
"Alright." Sydney says.  
  
"I'll need to do a strip search."  
  
"Alright, but only because you're quite a sexy police officer."  
  
Vaughn is steaming inside, because he believes that Sydney is cheating on him with a police officer, who is actually him. But he doesn't think that she knows that. Did I mention that the police officer disguise is that of a woman? Well it is.  
  
"Are you gay Sydney?"  
  
"Well, I've never really thought about it, but I suppose that I'm at least half gay, because, I mean, robots aren't really sexual creatures in general are they? And who knows who a robot will be attracted to? And maybe I'm even a hermaphrodite...no, let's not think about that."  
  
"Good Idea." Vaughn/the police officer says.  
  
"Can we get it on officer..." She looks at his badge, which is made of paper. "...Michael?"  
  
"Yes, now strip." The good officer says.  
  
Sydney is overwhelmed by the sexual prowess of this woman, immediately forgets that she knows that it's Vaughn, and a man, and has wild freaky sex with him in her room. Unbeknownst to her, the door is still open, and Will Tippin walks in to witness their freaky sex, and gets it on...with the chair.  
  
Next episode: Will Sydney notice Will watching her and Vaughn/police woman? Will Will realize that he is not actually attracted to Sydney, but is attracted to chairs? Tune in next time. 


	12. Chapter 12

Having fun sitting there?  
  
AN: Well, this is where the chair part comes in.please don't be offended.it's a bit surprising that you're still reading these things.well, Tom and Joe do love you for it.and here's to love...  
  
Will realizes that the chair has never been properly sanded and has splinters in it. He yells out in pain! This alarms Sydney and she looks away from the woman officer to find Will, naked and with a large rash from the pain of the chair.  
  
"Stupid thing,....." (he curses at the chair for the next five minutes.) Suddenly Vaughn is distracted from Sydney by Will's yelling  
  
Will looks over at Sydney then back at the chair  
  
"Well, I think you are great. We've had a lot of fun together, but I just don't think this is going to work out." The chair, in anger, falls on Will and his rashed body. Sydney laughs and says  
  
"Oh, you are so funny Will"  
  
She looks at him with those flirty eyes. Vaughn notices and suddenly gets off Sydney. He walks over to Will, only his wig and badge remain on him.  
  
"I am a police officer. Put up your hands. If you cannot provide a lawyer, one will be provider for you. Anything you say will be held against you."  
  
"What?" Will yells, the chair is still on top of him, but he looks lovingly at Sydney.  
  
"Umm, it is illegal to do that to a chair." to himself "It's illegal to love my girlfriend." 


	13. Chapter 13

Robot Baby…yeah!

AN: We're going to leave you with quite a big cliffhanger here…in true ALIAS fashion…fear not, we've already written most of them. If you're not tired of these emails, review madly, and Joe and Tom may get together to write further SICO chronicles. YEAH!

Email 14:

"Sydney, don't you think you've had too many CIA doughnuts?" Asks Vaughn.

"Why do you ask that? Although I love doughnuts, mostly the ones with sprinkles, I've only had one doughnut today."

"Well, have you kept up your running lately?"

"Actually, since you asked, I have given up running for a little. It isn't good for me."

"If I were you, I would start running again."

"Why?"

"Because…" Vaughn struggles, "You are kind of…kind of…"

"Kind of WHAT?"

"KIND OF FAT!"

"I am not fat!"

"No, it is ok, I always liked big girls…"

"But I seriously am not fat. I'm…I'm…"

"Yes?"

"I'm going to have a baby Robot!"

SICO

Email 15"

"Who's the father Sydney?"

"You are Vaughn." Cackles Sydney, it's obvious that she's lying.

"Damn, I knew that Will wasn't human!" Responded Vaughn

"No, Will's human, actually, Sloane is the father."

Vaughn throws up…then he faints…then he wakes up…"I'm sorry, I thought you said the father was Sloane?"

"I did." (and that makes sense, considering Vaughn and I have only ever had email sex. - added comment by Sydney.)

"When were you with him?" Vaughn asks.

"Well, you know, before we went to the Vatican, he forced me. When I was at his house with Will, right before I got the Rambaldi Page."

"I thought we were on the phone?"

"Oh, I forgot, that was role-play phonesex with you."

"Then who is the father? Couldn't it be Boban? (even though you said that it never happened, before…) But I am not sure if Boban was a he or a she. I just cannot remember!"

"It wasn't Boban's." Responded Sydney. "It was my teacher…Mr. Hass, from Fraternighy (a school)…"

::Sydney remembers the day when she met Brad, she was in his classroom, wearing a really short-skirted catholic school girl uniform, and on the blackboard, there was a question written "What comes from outer space?" And Sydney raised her hand. "OOOH, OHHH, I know, I know, ROBOTS! ROBOTS come from outer space!" Brad smiled at her, and nodded. "Yes, you're right my dear. But you, though you are a robot, do not come from outer space." Then he ravaged her, and they had their fun on the floor of the classroom. End of Memory::

"Who the heck is Brad? How many guys have you been with?"

"I will be completely honest. I am a born again virgin, sure I was with over 10 million people in my life. Some Robots, some humans (some I don't know…Like Noah?) But I think I am H.I.V. Positive, and I want my son or daughter to have a robot mommy, so I have to give 'it' up."

Vaughn has a heart attack, Sydney dials 9-1-1.

Will Vaughn be able to live without 'it' from Sydney? Does Sydney have a sexually transmitted disease? Will Brad want to be a part of Sydney's life? Will Will give up on chairs and move up to tables? Find out on the next episode of "Sex in the C.I.A. Office."


	14. Chapter 14

Email 16:

One day, Will was sitting around, doing nothing interesting, as he always never does anything interesting. When he decided to go to Sydney's house, and see if they could do something.

Of course, when he got there, there was no one there, except the door was open, so he went in.

And there was a beautiful new chair in the middle of the living room.

He walked up to it, and then started going at it with the chair.

THEN SUDDENLY! The chair came to life! "AAAAHHHH" Screamed Will, out of a mixture of shock and pleasure…and suddenly, he saw Francie's face.

"Will." She said. "I know you have a fetish for doing chairs, and to tell the truth, I have a fetish for being a chair, so I was thinking we could get together."

And so they did, and all was good.

Email 17:

Sydney is sitting in the doctor's office. She is waiting for the results from her HIV test. The doctor walks in.

"Sydney, I have good news and bad news." Sydney looks forlorn, but then scared.

"What is it doctor?" She asks.

"Well, the good news is that your baby looks fine. The bad news is that, well, we don't treat robots at this office."

Sydney sighs. "Well, that's too bad. Do you think I have HIV?"

"Well, that's the thing, I don't think you have HIV, what I think you have is HILL syndrome."

"What's that?" Sydney asks bewildered.

"Well that's the problem, we don't know exactly what it is. It seems that rambaldy had it, and he wrote it in some of his manuscripts exactly what it was, but we don't have that page of the manuscript at this time."

"Drat."

"I know, it is terribly tragic." The doctor pauses, and then gets an odd look in his eyes. "Well, now that that is over, would you like to have sex with me?"

"No!" She says, noticing that the doctor is undressing. She backs away. "I already told you, I'm a born again virgin, I can't have sex until I'm married Again."

"Wait, you were married before?"

"I can't tell you. I wasn't supposed to say that. Just ignore it."

"Alright." The doctor says. "Now, lets do 'it'."

"NO!!!" Sydney says, running from the now naked doctor.

Suddenly the door opens, and it is Vaughn. "Come on Sydney." He says, "It's time to go to my office."

"But Vaughn, I'm a born again virgin, did you forget?"

"No, but there are other ways to please me. You do want to please me, don't' you?"

Sydney looks at him. "Well, I suppose." She says, and they walk off to his office.

On the next episode: Will we know what HILL syndrome is anytime soon? Will Will and Francie do anything at all? What will go on in Vaughn's office? Tune in to the next episode of "Sex in the CIA offices" To find out.


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: Hey y'all, it's been a while, I know, but here's hoping you'll enjoy this little humorous interlude in the annals of Alias history...most of these were written during season one and two, so think of them in that context. Also, who's excited for January 5th?

Email 18

A little excerpt from Noah's mind:

Ah, Sydney, so wonderful. She has, of course, no idea what my real motive is to be with her. I want to convince her to tell me if she is a double agent, or has any idea what SD6 is doing. This is because I actually have no life beyond SD6.

They made me, the ugly face, the nasty and annoyingly nasal voice. They created me. The reason being that I am a robot. Now, I have to tell you the real real real reason that I went away for five years was to be reprogrammed, and to be refitted for some parts that SD6 decided that I needed to get Sydney in bed, and...well, get her to tell me the stuff about her.

Sydney and I had never actually been together together, in fact, we had never even been together apart...but that's beside the point. Sydney and I were really not too happy together. And Sloane, and the people at SD6 had thought that if I was gone for a while, she might warm up to me some more.

So, what happened was that I became a happy person, and came back. I have to tell you, when she came at me like that, well I was ready. We had our freaky, freaky fun, and then She pulled out a gun from no where and shot me.

"Why did you do that?" I asked her

"Because, I know that you know that SD6 is evil, and me and my boyfriend want you dead."

"Well, what you didn't know is that I am a robot."

(in the little voice)"Bad Robot!" she exclaimed. "I am a robot too."

"How did you discover this?" I asked her.

"Well, my other Boyfriend, Brad, from Arapahoe, told me."

"Who is this brad?" I asked her, suddenly confused.

"He is my teacher/lover." She said. "Obviously I've broken my born-again virgin vow."

"Well, all right." I said. "So, was I the first person who you broke this vow with?"

"No, I broke it first with Brad, and then with Vaughn, and then with my doctor, and then with my boss...then you."

"Sloane???" I asked, genuinely astonished at her...sexual prowess.

"No, the new boss, Caroline LaSloane." I had almost blown Sloane's cover, I realized. Everyone else thought that he was dead, but I actually knew that he had had an operation to change his sex, and then come back as Caroline LaSloane.

"Of course, I had forgotten that Sloane was dead."

"Well he is, so remember that from now on." She said.

I was bleeding out of my shot wound about six gallons so far, and she was soaked in blood. "Do you want to end my misery?" I asked her, but it actually didn't hurt at all.

"Sure." She said, pulling out the gun and shooting me in my head.

I felt my vision go muddy, then red, and then I was dead.

AND THAT WAS THE END OF NOAH!

Email 19

On with the show...and a new plotline

From the first time she saw him, that's when Sydney knew that Sarc would be her lover forever. She was hanging out around his place, reading a trashy romance novel and watching him for SD6 duties.

The first time, you see, wasn't that time when he shot at her, no, it wasn't...it was years before, years before even Noah, years before she had come up with the idea that SD6 was evil. Sarc didn't know either, in fact, he thought that he was working for a good guy as well...Casanov, a good guy...makes you laugh.

Anyway, they had met up for a little exchange info thing, but instead of exchanging info, they exchanged looks, and fell instantly in love.

Sydney knew that nothing could work out with him, as he lived far far away in Ireland, but knew as well that it was worth a try, because he was cut, nice and had a wonderful accent. So they got together one night in Iran:

"Sarc." She said lovingly.

"Call me Shawn." He said. "That's my real name."

"Good then, Shawn." She rolled the name off of her tongue.

"So, Sydney, I know that we're in love an all, but what I really want to do is go at it."

"Yes, me too." She said. "You're sure a cutie."

"I know." He said. "All the girls say that. But really, why are you attracted to me?"

"It could be your masculine chin, or your eyes, or your hair, or your nose, or your accent, or your beautiful body...but I don't really know"

"Ah well" He said, and then they got it on.


	16. Chapter 16

Email 20

"Sarc, listen...there are a few things that really inspire me."

"What inspires you Sydney?"

"Lately, my friend Francie. She is such a wonderful person. I mean, the way she was just able to go on after her filthy dirt-bag boyfriend cheated on her. She is my hero. I tell her everything you know?"

"Everything???"

"Well, we are very well connected. Ever since high school when she explained the entire flower process to me. Well, not so much explain...but show."

"This flower process, what is it exactly?"

"I give her my flower and she gives me hers."

"Oh, that sounds really sweet. Who else has given you a flower?"

"Oh, this really great guy who works at the CIA named Vaughn?"

"Vaughn, hmmm...I remember him. Somewhere I have heard that name before."

"O isn't it a perfectly wonderful name. Well, not only did he give me his flower. I gave him mine."

"Really, I remember hearing that name..."

"Oh, I have also received flowers from , the mail-man, Dixon, Noah, the boss at the CIA, Boban, Brad from Arapahoe, Rachel, Annica..."

"This is driving me crazy...where have I heard that name before..."

"Never got one from Will, even though he has gotten plenty white roses from a chair."

"SYDNEY, NOOOOOO...I thought you said that you were a virgin!"

"I was, well before you and me...well you know..."

"Vaughn, that name comes back to me now. He is a sex addict. He went to counseling with me back in Ireland. I have to be honest with you...I am not a virgin and have never been, since I was four."

"Ummmm, well, their is something I have to say to you. Although honestly ...I am a virgin. I am having a baby. This really sweet guy named Sloane, who got me this really great job at SD-6, well he gave me a flower a few months ago."

Will Sydney and Sarc be able to survive after the big confession.

Will Syd grow a garden with all the "flowers" she has been growing?

Will Vaughn except that Sydney doesn't want him anymore? Will

Will go on a chair ride and die? Will anyone care? Will Annica

and Rachel ever stop writing bad e-mails? Will Ellen kill both

of them because she is tired of hearing about Alias? These questions

will be revealed during next week's Sex in the CIA office


	17. Chapter 17

Email 21

"What even really matters anymore?" Syd asked Vaughn.

"I mean, my mom everyone, and is probably going to ruin planet earth. Will is going to die because he is the world's most annoying character...uh, I mean because he didn't listen to me about Danny's death. And now, well, you seem to be distant from me too. What the heck is wrong Vaughn, just tell me."

Vaughn speaks rather "robotically" "Nothing is wrong Sydney, I don't think you should tell me so much about your personal life. I am only your handler. Do you have any questions about your mission?"

"No, I don't have any questions. What the heck really matters anyway. Gosh, you make me so very mad!" Syd is about to leave when all of a sudden she gets an idea.

"Actually, I do have a question."

"Yes, what is it?"

"Do you think, on my mission, I mean, do you think I have to wear clothes if it is a nude beach, I mean."

"OHHHHHH man, um, I mean...what do you think Sydney?"

"Well, I think I will really stick out if I am the only person who is wearing clothes, maybe I should give you a preview, you know, just to make sure their isn't anything wrong with me that would reveal I am a spy."

"Technically, that would be fine considering I am just helping you with your mission, I am not getting too personal or anything. Oh, by the way, this is going to be a serious mission, maybe I should go too."

"Maybe!" Cried Sydney

Commercial break.

Will Vaughn notice when Sydney is naked that she is actually a man.

Will Will be killed while doing a chair. Will Jack Bristow ever

get over his wife and have some CIA fun for himself. Will anyone

wonder what happened to Sydney's robot baby? Well, find out after a word from our sponsor.

"Here's a song about gold fish, yes backed and not fried gold fish..."

End of commercial break:

"I really think that we should." Said Vaughn.

"Yes!" Cried Sydney. "Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, god, Vaughn..."

"Hey!" Cried Vaughn. "We're not at that part of the scene yet!"

"Oh, shoot, you're right. Sorry, back up a bit."

"Vaughn, I'm not sure that's so great an idea."

"Why aren't you sure that's such a great idea?"

"Well," She paused to think a bit. "I'm not sure it's a great idea because, well, my partner is going to be there, and I kind of want to get it on...I mean, um, get the stuff that we came for, not spend the whole time in a threesome...I mean, getting it on with you."

"Oh, well then." Said Vaughn. "I won't come then, if you're sure you don't want to have a huge orgy...I mean, if you don't want to have a huge orgasm...I mean," Vaughn closed his eyes, trying to think of what he wanted to say. "I mean, if you don't want to get the information in a timely and good manner."

"Of course I want to have a huge orgy...I mean a huge orgasm...I mean, get the information in a timely and good manner."

"Well then, let's get it on right here." he paused for a moment. "I mean, no, that is what I meant. It is personal Sydney, let's get it on, right here, right now."

Sydney looks at him questioningly, he nods. "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, God, Vaughn, Yes!" She pulls off her clothes and then Vaughn's.

"Oh, god, you're a man!" Vaughn yells.

"Is that a problem?" She asks seductively.

"NO!" He yells. "As long as you can pretend to be a dead Boban, I don't care."

"What?"

"As long as you can pretend to be a dead Boban, and sit in that chair--No, that's Will, who is dead" He cocks his eyebrows questioningly. "--then I'll be just fine."

"Oh." She says. Then she looks down. "But you're a woman."

Vaughn looks down. "No, I'm not," he looks down. "I thought that was the normal size."

"No." She says. "That's not the normal size. That's small. Real small." She ponders: that's why he thought I was a man...woah! "Exactly how many people have you had sex with?" She asks.

"Um..." He said. "Um..."

Commercial break

Will Sydney realize that Vaughn is a virgin because all of his other girlfriends made fun of him?

Will they ever go to the nudie beach?

Will any plot expose itself?

After these messages, we'll be right back!

"There were, two giant goldfish, those baked and not fried goldfish,

who said they'd get some penutbutter and make themselves a sandwich..."


	18. Chapter 18

Email 22

I know I know, we are all peeved off at the writers of Alias for killing off Mr. Sisler, I mean Vaughn. But here is where the season finale pulls a Felicity and makes everything all better.

Felicity, I mean Sydney, is talking to Francie in her apartment. She has gotten all drunk because Will has cheated on her will some other college girl (just like Ben).

A drunk Sydney responds"I never should have picked Will."

"What? Syd, what do you mean?"

"If I could go back again, to that night Noel and me slept together. I mean, that night Will got captured with Sarc, I wouldn't save him. I would instead be with Vaughn."

"Who the heck is Vaughn."

"Oh, the nicest handler in the entire world. I miss him so much"

"Well, you know there is something better than wishing to go back in time. Instead of opening a restaurant, I have decided to become a witch. I have this spell where you can go back in time."

"Sure you do." The drunk Sydney passes out.

She wakes up and she is with Vaughn.

"What am I doing here? I mean with you, you are supposed to be dead!'

"Syd, look I know you are having a hard time dealing with the fact that Will knows you are a CIA spy, but listen, that is no reason to go insane. Now I think I shouldn't be as involved with you personally because I could lose my job."

"What?"

"Do you have any questions for your next mission."

"No, I mean, why are you.."suddenly Syd realizes that she is in the past and has already had this conversation. "Look, Vaughn, I want you to just listen. I think you have to be personal to be my handler."

Suddenly Syd gets a call from Sarc about Will. "Who was that?" asks Vaughn.

"Uh, it is about Will."

"God, I guess we better save your only true love in life." Vaughn says with self distrust.

"Nooooooooo, I don't care about Will. I love you Vaughn."

"What?" Vaughn smiles

"I messed up, choosing Will after you died. I messed up. I should have chosen you from the beginning. I know you are my handler and we shouldn't be together, but I can't stop feeling the way I do about you.'

"Ok, Syd...this is crazy. I am not dead! Did you hurt your head in a mission?"

"No, I mean I am from the future. I love you Vaughn. Will broke my heart!"

"Gosh, I have wanted this for so long. Forget the CIA"

"Forget Will!" Cried Sydney happily (in the back of her mind, like Felicity with Ben, she had trouble actually admitting this.)

Vaughn and Sydney let Will die as they make Rachel and Annica happy by making sweet sweet love. VAUGHN did not die. And that is how things look for right now. Time will tell if Vaughn and Syd stay together.

Email 23

Syd wakes up realizing that she is still in the past. She looks to her left and notices Vaughn sleeping beside her. She smiles, "Michael, you want breakfast in bed."

Vaughn wakes up..."Whose Michael, oh right...that's me. Sure, I love sausages."

"Um, me too." They embrace.

"Let's go out somewhere!"

"I don't care where, just as long as I am with you."

"No Vaughn, we have to go somewhere where the CIA won't expect us to be. (this is like in Felicity when they go to places where their friends won't be because they don't want them to feel bad for Ben.)"

"Alright!" He smiles sweetly at Syd

Vaughn and Syd fly to New York together (this is where Felicity goes to school)

"God, NYC looks so beautiful in the morning."

Vaughn looks at Syd, "You have no idea how beautiful."

Suddenly a girl with curly hair walks up to Vaughn (Felicity.)

"Michael, it has been so long how are you?"

"Oh, Felicity...gosh it has been forever. I am fine, wow you look great."

"Huh?" asks a confused Syd.

"Sorry, uh, this is Felicity, her nickname is Alice."

"Nice to meet you." Syd looks on jealously

"You too." says a distracted Felicity. "You know, Vaughn, I really need your help on this project I am working on in Chemistry. Maybe you could come by sometime and help me out. Can I get your number?"

"Uhhh, sure." He gives her the number of the hotel

Felicity tries to get back together with Vaughn. I mean it isn't like she has enough guys already...now she begins to take on Syd's Vaughn. But Vaughn tells Felicity it will never work out because he loves Syd. Syd of course takes back Vaughn, because well...why

wouldn't she? Felicity is ok, she gets back together with Noel. (who quickly got over Jennifer Garner (or Hannah...gosh this is getting confusing.) They went back to California and were happy for the most part.

Meanwhile,

Sloane and "Boban" were having some nasty fun in the SD-6 office. A new guy walks in.

"Hey, do you know where Syd is? We have a mission to go on in like twenty minutes." (Oh, Dixon got fired because he made up some lie about Syd working for the "Man") so the new guy "Brandon" became her new partner.

"Oh," he stops his nasty fun..."I don't know. Call in her father." Jack Bristow walks in, he joins the nasty fun. They invite Brandon in to the mix. But he refuses.

"I would rather be with Syd." (if you know what I mean...gosh I already know that you know what I mean.)

"Yes YES " The loud screaming continues. Jack tells Brandon.

"She isn't that good! " "But I like men. After all, I married the "man".," Ha ha they all burst out laughing. Brandon leaves, totally grossed out.

Syd and Vaughn are laughing on the beach when she gets a phone call from Will. "oh my god, I thought you were dead!"

"What no, when I was taken by Sarc, I was having a good time on the chair, well anyway, I met this girl who saved my life. She was totally better than you at kicking dudes' butts! Well, her name was Felicity and we had some serious action on my chair! (After we killed Sarc) "

"What!" cried Syd, "Not again...that tramp dates all my boyfriends!"

This didn't happen in the future. It wasn't in the script!"

Syd doesn't realize that it is the triple effect of going back in

time. At least that is the same crap that they used in Felicity.


	19. Chapter 19

Email 24

One day Vaughn and Sydney walked into the SD6 sublevel office, hand in hand. The had a secret plan to get Vaughn into SD6, and then they could get it on a lot more, and do a 'service to their country' as they say.

When Brandon saw them, he was livid. "SYDNEY!" He yelled. "What about last night?"

"What do you mean?" Sydney asked, looking at Vaughn, hoping that he knew that she wouldn't cheat on him without telling him beforehand.

"Last night, when we got it on," Brandon's eyes glaze over. "Again and again and again and again…" He righted himself. "Why are you with this guy?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." She said, "And Michael is my handler."

"Your what?"  
"My HANDLER!" She yelled, looking around to check that no one heard her, but everyone was out of the office that day, surprisingly helpfully.

"I thought I was your 'handler.'" Brandon said. "After all, last night, it was great…"

"I didn't do anything with you last night!" She screamed, then she looked at Vaughn. "You have to believe me!"

"I do believe you, dear." He said.

"NO!" Brandon screamed, running up to the nearest window and jumping though it.

Unfortunately, Brandon had forgotten that SD6 was on a sublevel, and that there were no windows. It was actually a picture of a window, which he ran into.

"That is not a window, Brandon!" Sydney said calmly.

Brandon blanched, and then reached for his gun, but just as he was about to shoot himself, Sydney walked into the office. "SYDNEY!" Brandon screamed, throwing his gun down. "This imposter was trying to make me believe that we didn't have fantastic sex last night."

"Fantastic…I don't think so" the second Sydney said under her breath. "But we did!" She exclaimed. "And who are you, IMPOSTER SYDNEY!"

"I'm not an imposter!" Sydney screamed. "I'm the real Sydney."

Vaughn, being the thoughtful, smart guy as always, spoke up. "I know a way we can see who the real Sydney is."

"WHAT?" the Sydney's exclaimed.

"Well," Vaughn said. "Sydney one can come with me, and Sydney two can go with Brandon, and whomever can do 'it' the longest is the real Sydney. Because Sydney could go forever."

Sydney one's face brightened. "YES! Good idea Vaughn, you're so smart and good and all that." She pounced on him, and they began to have their wild nasty fun.

Sydney Two immediately stripped, and began to get it on with Brandon.

After a couple of days, Sydney two dropped down. "I Cant do 'it' anymore. I'm sorry, Brandon, I have to admit that I'm not the real Sydney."

Brandon, after getting his wits together, said: "Why did you try to be Sydney then?"

"I wanted to be Sydney because she's so popular, everyone loves her. She gets it on all the time..." (adding a bit of smallville into the mix here)

"Wait!" Sydney exclaimed. "Who are you?"

"I am Felicity." Sydney two said. "You stole my boyfriend, I just can't live with that. I had to become you, so that I could wreak revenge."

"Oh." Sydney said. "Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to kill you."

Felicity tried to run out of the door, but she wasn't fast enough, and was shot by Sydney.

"I LOVED how she got it on!" Brandon exclaimed, pulling the gun from Sydney's hand. He put it to his head, but, Sydney kicked it from his hand. Then Brandon tried to jump through the window again.

"THAT IS NOT A WINDOW BRANDON!" Sydney screamed.


	20. Chapter 20

Email 25

I am your handler. He He He

I am your handler. I am not your chair Will. I am not DEAD Vaughn. That is not a Window, Brandon…

What is to come next in the series?


	21. Chapter 21

Email 26

This is how Syd met Mr. Sisler(for those of you who don't know he is this sub at the school Tom and Joe go to)

Mr. Sisler was subbing for Syd's professor at college.

"Oh my gosh. You look just like Vaughn!" Cried Sydney.

"Yeah, I get that a lot." Smiled Mr. Sisler. "Uh, who's Vaughn!"

"Oh no one. Just the hottest CIA officer in the entire world."

"And you think I look like him???" Hummm he thinks to himself.

"Ok class, we are changing the lecture today. We are going to discuss the reproductive system. Do I have any volunteers to demonstrate how a baby comes to be."

"Oh, me me me!" Cried Sydney.

"Ok, any men want to volunteer to give the lady your sperm?"

The entire classroom of guys raise their hands eagerly.

"Oh," says Mr. Sisler ignoring them all. "I see no one wants to, well I'll give it a go."

Right in front of the entire classroom Mr. Sisler and Sydney demonstrate how to have a robot baby.

"Vaughn!" Suddenly Syd calls out.

Mr. Sisler stops. "I AM NOT VAUGHN!"

"Oh, well...just pretend you are."

"Ok."

The two continued their demonstration for the entire blocked lecture class (four hours.)

Ring...the bell sounds.

"Well, that was a really good class." Cried Syd

"I know, I am an excellent teacher."

"No, you are an excellent handler."

The totally attentive class leaves eagerly.

"What's homework?" They cry.

"Oh, you don't have any. Just me." he looks over at Syd. "Your coming home with me. I have to 'do' my homework."

"Yea! (I always knew I had a thing for teachers after Brad taught me the history of love making.) Thought Sydney.

"Let's go work out all your problems Vaughn."

"Definitely. I want to be a good teacher."

"No, you want to be a good handler. V-a-ughn"

"Yeah, whatever...just let me handle you."

"Now you got it!"

Sydney and Mr. Sisler are walking to his place, because he didn't bring his car to work, as campus parking is hell in a lot...

They turned onto a cul-de-sac, and then Syd asked him: "Which one is yours?"

Mr. Sisler replied: "You see the house with the van?" Syd nodded. "That's where I live."

There was a long pause while Sydney's brain wrapped around the sentence.

"The house." Mr. Sisler said, trying to make it obvious for ditzy-Sydney. "Not the Van."

"Ohhhh-hhh." Sydney said, suddenly understanding. "I get it. Let's go in."

"Good." Sisler said. "By the way, my first name is Neil."

"I thought your name was Vaughn."

"I already told you it wasn't."

"Sydney." He said. "How would you like it if I called you Annica. She was my last girlfriend."

"Mine too." Sydney said.

"Oh." He said. "Annica who?"

"Um, I never knew her last name, but she quite liked jelly doughnuts."

"Must have been Berliner. I dated her too."

"Well then." Sydney said. "She never told me she was with you, Vaughn. In fact, I thought she was dead."

"I"M NOT VAUGHN!" He screamed.

"Bur you're as sexy as Vaughn." She said. "And your...yeah, is well, um, you're as good at him as getting it on."

"Good." Niel said. "Can't you just call me by my name then?"

"Well..." She said. "I would, but it's just so hard for me to remember it. Niel, it's such a...um, well, harder to remember than Vaughn."

"Well then." HE said. "Refrain from saying any name then."

"What does 'refrain' mean?" She asked.

"It means don't do it." He said. By this time they were in his house, and he was steering them towards the den.

"Oh." She said. "Like the other boys today in class refrained from raising their hands?"

Neil wondered if she meant according to what he said, or what really happened. "Sure." He said. Then he pulled her shirt off. "Syd, I'm getting kind of tired of this stupid act."

"Oh." She said, her voice evening out. "I thought you wanted to do the teacher-student relationship fantasy thing today."

"Well...yeah" He said. "But I think we already covered that in class today, for four hours, remember."

"Oh yeah." She said. "Then what do you want to do."

"Maybe we should act out one of your fantasies." He said.

"Maybe we could go to the SD6 anti-gravity simulation chamber and pretend that we are on the moon...that's always been a fantasy of mine." She said. "Of course, it did involve a Martian with seven...well, seven of them...so we can't do that." Sydney cycled through about nine of her fantasies, involving police, doing it in an ice rink and other odd things. "OK, I've got one that could work." She said.

"What is it?" He asked.

"Let's pretend that we're complete and total strangers and...no, we already did that today."

What will happen next? Will Sydney come up with a fantasy that they can act out? Will we learn how she and 'Neil Sisler' met? Will any of these things happen, or will the writers come up with a new plotline?

Find out, on the next episode of "The NEW S files(Sisler, Syd...ah...yes)"

Days of our lives, or Alias...it is the moment you have been waiting for. WHO'S THE DADDY!

Sydney finally had her baby, a beautiful robot chick. She named her Vaugnica. But the truth of the matter was that Vaughn wasn't the father. Or was he? Sydney wasn't sure. Because, well, there were so many possibilities.

She went back and remembered the day she met Brad. Brad was her history teacher in high school. (Syd wasn't the brightest cookie, but gosh...she was just so hot) "What comes from outer space?" She remembered his sexy voice asking.

Eagerly she raised her hand..."Robots, robots come from outer space!"

"Good, Sydney, what else comes from outer space?"

"Uhhhhh," Sydney is confused...

"It's ok Syd, that was good for today. Homework is to finish Chapter Five on the Nixon years."

"WHOSE N---I--x--ass"

"No Syd, it's Nix ON. But you don't have to worry about that assignment. All you have to do is draw me a picture of a robot."

"Ok!" She smiles. 'Gosh is my teacher cute!' she thinks.

'God, that stupid girl is so hot," Brad thinks

"Sydney, wait!"

Before Syd leaves the room "What?"

"Do you know where babies come from?"

"Where?" She asks wondering 'gees where do they come from, maybe they come from outer-space!'

"No, Sydney, I know what you are thinking...they don't come from outer-space. When a man and a woman love eachother very much..." Sydney grabs Brad and they start kissing. Suddenly they are on Brad's desk, chalk flying underneath them.

'Wow, for a stupid girl, she sure is good.'

"Ha, now I know what you were thinking " Cries Syd. "Robots are really good at making babies!"

Brad gave Syd all A's of course, even though she very rarely went to class...(too busy getting it on with Vaughn I guess!) But one day she went back to class, in hopes to have sex with Brad. She had missed him.

But Brad isn't there. A guy, that looks a little like Vaughn, is subbing for Brad.

"Hello, I am Mr. Sisler."

"Yes you are" Syd smiles 'Mr. Sexler'

"We are learning about the Clinton years? What is the main scandal of the Clinton years?"

A much brighter Syd, well since last class, responds "SEX! With Monica (me)"

"Wow, you are right!"

"I know, I am an expert on this topic. Did you know Clinton asked me to go on a personal mission with him? To discover why Robot Al Gore could have such attractive daughters. Oh, and if he could ever meet with them."

"Really?" Smiled Mr. Sisler. "What did you say?"

"I said no, I don't like guys named Bill. Only guys named Vaughn."

"Did I ever mention, my middle name is Vaughn!" Mr. Sisler yelled excitedly.

The rest of the class sat there in awe. A student in the front of the room said..."Can we get back to Clinton." A student in the back of the room said..."Shut up, I want to hear more from the Clinton chick."

"I am not a chick!" Yelled Syd..."I am a full grown chicken!"

"No, you are a full grown woman,!" Responded Mr. Sisler.

Well, that is how Syd meets Mr. Sisler. The rest is history


	22. Chapter 22

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Continuation of the story:

Sydney wasn't sure if it was Brad, or Mr. Sexler, she wasn't even sure if it was one of those guys, because she had been under a mind control drug when she'd gotten pregnant...unfortunately for her, she couldn't even check if it was anyone, because baby robots don't have DNA, they have a totally different structural element called FJE, or Folicault Janeth Ethnizer, which is generally just an acidic base for metal...and it can't be changed from mother to offspring.

Also, The baby had not yet grown it's synthetic skin, so they couldn't even guess who it was through the synthetic DNA...

And, Sydney knew that she had been with too many men for the father to be just one of them, for, in fact, as a robot, she had to combine her FJE and four or five peoples DNA before she could conceive a baby (men or women). She thought that it might have been that one time when she had a huge orgy with all of the leaders of SD6, but she wasn't sure, because there was also the time when she'd been with Boban and Vaughn and then Annica, and then Dixon in the office and then Sloane, and then the new Sloane...it was just too confusing for her. Being the stupid girl that she was.

In fact, Sydney wasn't even sure that she hadn't been abducted by aliens and that they were the father. She wasn't sure about anything for the few days after the baby's birth. So, she went into a polypholiphic coma, and this is what happened in the hospital room that she was in, during the coma:

Will and Francie got it on in the chair in the room, which was a nice plush chair...

Vaughn brought in several dead people from the morgue of the hospital and got it on...

Brandon came in, and was quite sad to find that Sydney was in a coma, and therefore ran into the window, several times in succession...

Felicity came in and tried to kill Sydney, but was thwarted when Vaughn threw a dead body at her...

The guy who plays Noel came in and tried to kidnap Sydney and bring her through a huge vortex portal in the wall, which was also thwarted by Vaughn and a dead body...

Sloane came in with Emily, and they tried to inject the casanov ampule fluid into her veins so that the notes that were on her body (which had been revealed as being there on one of the pages) would show up, they were not thwarted, but nothing showed up...

And eventually the baby was brought in, and Vaughn said: "Sydney, it doesn't matter who the father's and mothers of this baby are, you love it, and I love it, and the rest of these people love it, including Will and Francie and all of the dead ones, so you should

wake up from this stupid coma."...

And Sydney awoke...

But suddenly, "The Man" Walked in, and announced "I know who the father is!"

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Here is the sneak preview (you know those annoying things that don't

tell you anything...just make you want to watch.

"Watch SICO and find out why it is up for best drama in the MTV Television Awards. This Sunday, after Who Wants to Marry a Handler?, watch an Alias like never before. No, we promise they're will be plenty of action (you know what I mean.) But this time we will find out who's the daddy.

"Please let Vaughn be the father." Seduction, betrayal, suspense, and sex again. Find out the surprising twist on SICO.

Brandon-"That window hurts"

Will-"Syd, who is this person who calls themself the Man when SHE looks a lot like your Mom?"

Francie-"Oh, shutup Will, I knew you were still in love with Syd, how could I fool myself like that?"

Will-"No, I really do love you."

Francie-"Oh my god, that is the first time you ever told me that. I love you too!"

Will-"I was talking to the chair...it is the most comfortable thing I have ever been in."

Vaughn-"OH MY GOD, YOU ARE THE B- that killed my DAD!" Grabs gun..."YOU

ARE GOING TO PAY YOU SYD LOOK ALIKE PEICE OF CRAP!!!"

The Man-"Wait, you don't remember me? We did it enough."

Vaughn-"What, I thought you were Sydney. YOU LED ME ON!"

The Man-" That's right...the father of your baby isn't VAUGHN. Because the only person he has ever been with this whole time is me. HA HA HA!!! I am the evilest woman in the universe! Oh, Vaughn, you aren't bad, a little strange with your thing for dead people. Oh, and that need to dress like a woman. But that's not the point . I KNOW WHO THE FATHER IS!!!HA HA HA!"

Vaughn-"That's it I AM GOING TO KILL YO-"

"Wait," Jack Bristow comes in..."Don't kill her. I still love you!"

The Man-"I still love you!"

Syd-"Oh, how sweet, they love eachother...please don't kill her Vaughn. After all she is my mother, and I love her too! Besides, doesn't anyone else want to know who is the father?"

Vaughn-"Oh, it is sweet...a happy little family reunion. I couldn't ruin this beautiful moment for you Syd." Drops gun.

The Man-"Ha HA HA, I have fooled you all. Once again I have used you, Jack, in my plan to rule the world." grabs gun from floor, points it to... Felicity " He is the father of your baby!"


	23. Chapter 23

AN: hey, littledevilgirl, thanks for reviewing, rock! anyhow, the vaughn is a necrophiliac thing actually began when Sydney had that ring that knocked people out, and she pretended to be making out with that knocked-out guy on the boat...anyhow, just in case you were wondering, most of the things that happen in this story relate to real life or the show, just sometimes you never know which one. Don't think that the authors are necrophiliacs, because they aren't, they're normal.

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"Vaughn, why do you love me?"

"Sydney, I have to tell you the truth." Vaughn sighs, and then breaks out in song: "I love the way the sun shines on your face! I love your big huge forehead, because it makes me feel at home! I love your sexy outfits that you wear when we're on missions! And Most of all, I love the way you groan...when we're going at it!"

Sydney joins in in the musical play: "Vaughn! I love the way your hair is, and the way you understand me! I Love the way you have a lot of people always following you around so you can never see me! I love the way you sometimes act as if you don't even care about me a little bit! And most of all, I love the way you make love to dead people when you think I'm not looking!"

Vaughn gasps, pulls Sydney to him and asks her "You know about that?"

"Yeah!" Sydney says, at this point they're all dancing around.

"I love the way you know everything about my past and current lovers!"

Vaughn sings merrily. "Especially Sarc, and all of the rest of the people you know."

"I LOOOOVEEEE the way you have a nice accent when you try to speak in French!" Sydney sings. "And I love, well, you! That's all there is!" Then they skip out of the blood donation van, hand in hand, and SD6 operatives immediately shoot them. "Oh Darn" They both sing as they die.

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As The Man directed the gun at Felicity, she gasped..."What the heck are you thinking!!! I am not a man!!! I know I have done my share of strange things, but I would never ever do it with Syd. What is your stinken' problem. If I were a guy and I were to do it with anyone it would have to be Francie. She is the only one here who has any good hair-sense whatsoever."

"THANK YOU, see Will, see someone has good taste."

"Uhhh, this is just a little too weird for me...now don't mind me, I am just going to go out in the hallway with my chair."

Jack-"My wife. I-I-I, I know you must have felt something. No one can get it on like you. I mean, don't you love me just a little!"

Brandon-"WOW, Felicity is the father of your baby. DUDE! I wish I had watched that hap'nin. Two girls...well at least two people that look like girls. AWESOME!" walks into a window..."Ouch, man...where'd that window come from! Dude!!!'

Noel (Scott Foley)-"Am I on drugs or what? Firstly my wife's name is Jennifer and if anyone is the father of her baby, it would have to be me...not Kerri. I mean "Felicity."'

Felicity-"Noel, where did you come from? Go back to your reject pile. I always loved Ben and you know it. So stop being stupid and trying to make me jealous and go back to your hole in the ground. I AM SOOOOOOOOOOO NOT THE FATHER OF HER BABY!"

Vaughn-"Does anyone here care about Syd??? Oh, yea Noel, or whoever you are. I think you need help. I mean, you have never even been on this show. I know this really great rehab place. They can make you feel better." Looks over at Syd," Are you alright?"

The Man-"Of course she isn't fine! Idiot, she is in love with you." The gun is still pointed at Felicity.The whole gang just keeps talking, when suddenly Syd screams...

"Oh my god, another one is coming!!!" A baby robot is pushed out of Syd. "Oh my god! What does this mean? She looked over at Vaughn. Then all of a sudden another one comes flying out, and another one and another one. All of a sudden, they're are hundreds of thousands of baby robots, that look just like Syd, all around the hospital room.

The Man-"I wasn't pointing the gun at Felicity. Even though she

really is a man. I was pointing at that-"

Felicity backs away. A mirror appears behind her. "That is the father of your babies."


	24. Chapter 24

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Everyone is on scene at the park. And I mean everyone: Ellen, Brandon, Boban, Rachel, Annica, Sydney, Vaughn, all of the people that Sydney had sex with and killed during the odd episode where she killed them all, Sloane, Dixon, the ever elusive "Boss man" At the CIA (who, may I remind the audience, is quite stupid, and keeps running into things), EVERYONE!

"Boban!" Sydney screams as she runs over to Boban. "I LOVED getting it on with you. Can we do it just one more time for posterity's sake?" Boban agrees, and then they get it on. Vaughn walks over, and immediately begins to undress and get it on with the two hot girls/guy on the grassy green everglade.

Sloane and Emily (recently raised from the dead--Vaughn is going to want to get some action off of that dead body) are also getting it on, but unfortunately for Sloane, Emily keeps falling apart, so he has to keep his superglue out, and he accidentally super glued himself to her--in that place--and so they're constantly getting it on. Without fuss, mind.

"The new Boss" Approaches Dixon. "Do you remember that time you were in my office, and we were talking. And I was taking off all of my clothes?" She asks him.

"Yes." HE says. "I do, in fact, remember that. I thought it was quite odd...after all, this is not a show with the initials of SICO, it is, in fact an agency of the United States Government."

"You are right." She said. "We do not have deranged writers named Joe and Tom, nor are their names Erin and Laura Westover, this is actually a real life situation. Of course." She says, looking meaningfully in the direction of Dixon's wife. "I see that your wife is not having any problems getting it on with the tech dude."

Dixon spins around, and then (in a wonderful feat of mind breaking speed and skill and precision, mind you) "The new boss" rips off all of his clothes, then all of her clothes, and commences to get it on with him.

The park quickly turns into an orgy of getting it on. NO one is left out, not even the animals, or the trees, or the fences inclosing the park.

And, in fact, it seems that there are some people who are looking in from the outside of a chain link fence, and there are several other exhibits...it seems that SICO has become a zoo attraction.

Now they are calling it Sex in the Zoo Park under false pretenses of the CIA office. Or SIZPUFPOTCO, which is too long, but no one minds. Because now, everyone wants to go to the zoo.

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"Syd, how was your mission in France." Vaughn asks Syd?

"It went well. I managed to get this thingy that SD-6 wanted and all this other complicated garbage that no one really cares about because the only reason people watch this show is to see you and me get together."

"Huh?"

"Oh, nothing. Well, as it turns out I managed enough time to do some site- 'seeing'. My favorite part of France is the natural beaches. You will never guess who I saw there?"

"Who," Vaughn sounds impatient.

"Um, Will."

"You saw Will" Vaughn doesn't sound impressed. He messes with some papers.

"Yeah, and...uh" Syd, realizing that Vaughn is paining much attention to her says-"And uh, that other CIA dude you work with."

"Wow, Syd I have a lot of work to do. It sounds like your mission went well. SD-6 is that much closer to being destroyed. You are a national hero. Uh, blah blah blah."

"Wait, I also saw...Dixon."

"Dixon, Syd of course you saw Dixon...he is your partner."

"Yes, right of course! Um...I also saw Francie."

"Really, you saw Francie. That is great Syd." Vaughn is still going through files seemingly ignoring Syd."

"Gosh, for crying out loud. I saw Boban. You remember Boban?"

"Syd, I am sorry to upset you but I do have a lot of work to do."

"What work, you are MY handler."

"I know that Syd, but I might not be for too much longer. Syd, don't you get it-I am going to get fired unless I stop being so personal with you."

"But how can you be my handler without making it personal? You know, real personal. Like get it on with me now personal? That is what a handler is supposed to do?"

"Syd, it isn't what a handler is supposed to do, and I really don't care who you saw at some beach in France. For god sake Syd, I have ruined my profession because of you."

"Oh," ..."I see how it is. You don't even care that I saw Brandon, and Sloane. And Felicity, and Noel, and the Man, and my dad, and Ellen, and Rachel and and and-the dead body of of Noah. Come on, THE DEAD BODY OF NOAH? None of this means anything to you? Don't I matter to you?"

"Sorry Syd," he grabs his bag," I really don't care who you saw anymore or what you do in your spare time. All that matters to me is the fact that you are safe and the mission went well. I have to go. Besides, Syd. This was just a tiny mission. It doesn't even mean that much. No need to go on about it so much."

"But wait...don't you care that I saw. Get this. I saw Annica! I saw Annica on a natural beach with all those other people. Come on that has to do it-"

"WHAT YOU SAW ANNICA. THE ONE THE ONLY ANNICA ! OH MY GOSH SYD!"

He screams like a bunch of girls that have just seen the Backstreet Boys. "I LOVE THAT GIRL! Oh my god! What was she doing there?"

"What everyone else was doing there. It was a natural beach. Everyone was walking around naked. You know and having drop dead dirty fun on the sand. That is what natural beaches are. I thought you knew that, aren't you supposed to be part French? But none of that matters. IT was just a simple mission. It doesn't matter. It was successful.

I am a national hero all that blah blah blah. You know we are going to get bad ratings if you talk like that?"

"Well, I couldn't do that," he smiles, "maybe this was a mission I should have went on with you." They drop down on the floor and pretend to be on a natural beach...because the truth is...Vaughn simply can't be a good handler without being personal with Syd.

After a night of passion Vaughn asks Syd "Syd, tell me more about Annica on these Natural Beaches in France?"


	25. Chapter 25

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In the way of...seventh heaven fanfic.

Jack comes up to Sydney one day in the office. "Sydney, I have some terrible news to tell you, it will upset the balance of your life, and everything you thought was true, will become untrue, but I hope that's ok with you. Because I'm going to tell you anyhow. The fact is, well, Vaughn is your brother."

"What!?" Sydney yelled at jack.

"Well, when you found 'the man', and he was your mother, well, she and I had a long talk. She told me that I'm not really your father, and that She had another child, whom she named Michael Vaughn. Now, I have to tell you that I was shocked and surprised, because I realized that Vaughn isn't even really your lover, he is, in fact, your brother."

"Shoot!" Sydney yelled, crying into her fathers shoulder.

"But..." HE said. "Now that we know I'm not your father, I can fulfill my lifelong fantasy of getting it on with you."

"Wow!" Sydney yelled, loud enough for the entire office to hear. "You have to know, as well, that I've always had a secret and deeply hidden fantasy of getting it on with you as well."

"Great." Jack says, pulling Sydney into a searingly hot kiss. "But we have to get out of the office first, I mean, after all, getting it on in front of all of these people, though exciting and exhilarating, would be terribly bad and icky, because it would be our first time. Per sae."

"Good idea. I know of a great 'rent by the minute' hotel around here."

"Rent by the MINUTE?" Jack asked Sydney. "I thought that was 'rent by the hour.'"

"NO, no no." Sydney said. "They have a special room, just for me, that rents by the minute. I'm their only customer, but I give them great patronage."

They went to the hotel, and paid for twenty minutes. Jack was skeptical, but Sydney assured him that it would be enough time.

When they got into the room, they got it on, quite quickly, and in the after pant-pant-snaggle-snaggle-kick-kick-"pretend you don't know that your partner is falling asleep" Sydney looked over at Jack.

"You were lying about Vaughn, weren't you?" She asked him.

Jack shied quietly into his corner of the twin bed. "Yes." HE said. "But only so that you would forget him for a moment, during which we could get it on, and it's true that your mother said that I'm not your father. Your father, in fact, is Sloane."

Sydney balked. She'd gotten it on with her fathers...both of them, the one who had acted as her father, and the one who actually was.


	26. Chapter 26

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Vaughn was picking up some beer and the LA paper at the local Safeway, waiting in line when a beautiful blonde with a full rack walks over to pick up a Soap Opera Digest.

"Michael, is it really you? God it has been forever, you remember me right? You know the loser in homeroom, the one with the French braid you always insisted on pulling and chanting 'hey, do you have the answers to problem 5 in Trig?"

"Oh, hey...yeah of course I remember you. Um, let's see what was your name again. Uh, Sarah right?"

"OH MY GOD, you remembered my name!"

To himself-'lucky guess' "Right, Sarah. Wow, you look great. SO what are you doing after surviving Jefferson High?"

"I, well, I-I am trying to make it in Hollywood. You know, be an actress on the big silver screen. But so far, things pretty much haven't gone my way. I depended on my plastic surgery to get me this gig in a commercial with the fruitastic lady, but they gave the role to a seven year old. Can you believe that? Well, I had to make some extra money. My agent said the best way to do that would be to follow in the other line of work that Hollywood has to offer. The uh line of work-" she pauses" WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING, I am just blabbing my whole life to you-better not tell my biggest crush in the history of the world that I have made porn."

"Next in line" the cashier says Vaughn glances over at the girl, whom he hadn't been the slightest bit interested in, for the first time. "You do what?"

"Porno, ok!? That is the only thing a girl like me can do to make cash. THAT IS IT! No one cares if I know how to cure cancer or if I could solve world hunger, just that I am a big chested fake blonde." She bursts out crying, "God, and to think I loved you. You always seemed so...so nice. You probably went to a good school like Brown, while I didn't have the money to even go to college. You don't understand me at all!"

"NEXT IN LINE!" the cashier yelled again.

Vaughn held his hand out to the moaning girl, "no Sarah, I do remember you. You always seemed so smart, I thought a girl like you could have done anything you wanted. Besides, I do understand what it is like to do something you are ashamed of for money."

"You do?" She wiped her eyes and touched his hand,

"Yeah, I've had to kill a man. And although he was an enemy to the united states, I just felt so horrible about having committed murder. You see, I work for the CIA now."

"You work for the CIA! Wow, isn't that difficult?"

"No! It is the best job in the entire world. I met this beautiful girl there, and well I am her HANDLER!" Vaughn said proudly.

"Oh, so I guess you are off the market."

"Yeah, I am" he smiled, "if you need money I know a place where you could easily get hired."

"Where?"

"The CIA, they are always looking for people who are beautiful and have lots of sex. That's why Sydney Bristow is their most valuable double-agent."

"So you think I could handle it?"

"If you got an A in honors Chem. and I have no problem handling Syd, you could easily handle Jack."

"Whose Jack?"

"Another double-agent. He doesn't have sex as often, so he might be fired soon. They need you Sarah."

"They need me? Gosh it is nice to be needed!"

"Yeah, the CIA really is the Central Intercourse Agency, they are for smart people who can 'handle' a lot."

"That sounds like you and me!" Replied Sarah, "too bad about you and that Syd girl. I think you and I could have been great!"

"I think so too. Maybe you could join us. A lot of people have you know."

"yeah, only if this Syd girl is as hot as you though."

"She is!" He smiles and gives Sarah a hug. After all, the plastic surgery made her look pretty hot. And he liked hot girls.

Suddenly, the cashier grabbed a gun out and pointed it at Vaughn and Sarah, "YOU Should have just paid for your things and forgot about the whole little reunion. You are coming with me. I think my boss would be pretty interested in what you have to say about agents Bristow's." Vaughn looks over from Sarah and sees Dixon looking him in the face with a gun.

"No Dixon, it isn't what you think. You don't work for the CIA, SD-6 is evil. We are the good guys. People like me and Syd, and maybe even Sarah some day. The world needs us to generate sex!"

Dixon looks over at Sarah and laughs, "Ha, you don't think I know about what Sloane has been trying to do all these years. You really think that I am that naive? The truth is SD-6 is much more powerful than the CIA, and soon we will take over the world. SD-6 stands for Sexual Dominance Unit 6. WE WILL rule the world with our missions of sex!"

Dixon pulled Sarah and Vaughn into the back of the store, where he immediately stripped all of Sarah's clothes off, and started to molest her. "Sarah...pant pant...we've got all your porno videos at SD6, they're practically necessary to watch for training."

"Really?" She asked.

"Yeah, totally, I mean, if you were to come and work at SD6, you could make training videos, and we'd pay you a lot more than for porn, because, well, you'd be helping in training, by letting agents do stuff to you too....yeah, it'd be fun."

"NO!" Vaughn yelled. "You have to be Jack's handler."

"OK, here's the deal." She said, "You will bring in your two best guys, and whomever lasts the longest, then I will work for you."

Vaughn, being the cocky, confident person he was said "Well that'd be me."

"Good." She said. "Dixon?"

"Not me." He said. "Sadly, I guess that'd be Jack."

"Good." She said. "You both go out, and come back in ten minutes, ready, and I'll start."

They both walked out simultaneously, but suddenly Dixon found himself laying on the floor, dead. "What happened?" Asked the dead guy.

"Hmmmmm..." Vaughn said. "I don't' know, but I'm really turned on."

"Hey Vaughnie." Sarah said. "Why don't you invite your Sydney here, and we can have a threesome."

"Good idea." Vaughn said. "But first, may I shoot you in the head, just to check if you're a robot."

"Why!" Sarah asked.

"Well, sex robots are the best, and we can't afford to have many non robot women in the CIA. you know, it takes down our sex quotient."

"OH." She says. "Sure...I guess."

"Well then." Vaughn said. "Now that we've got that over with, we can bring you to the CIA headquarters and give you to jack."

"Wait!" She said. "You didn't shoot me."

"I know." Vaughn said. "That was just a test, to see if you would do anything for your country, in the way of death. Because, we know, that if you're ready to die for your country, you'll get it on as much as you possibly can for them. We were never going to actually shoot you."

"Good." She said.

"Now, to the SICO headquarters."

"Can we get it on first?"

"Sure."

They have their nasty nasty, sick fun on the floor.


	27. Chapter 27

Email 34

Daddy's Pink Roses.

Sydney didn't know about flowers,

She whiled away many hours,

thinking of things of no allure,

Then one day Francie taught her.

Eventually, Sydney gathered many flowers,

she took them from all, for hours and hours,

She had gathered a beautiful bouquet,

that could have filled the month of may.

She lived along a great happy life,

She gathered flowers, had no strife,

But one day, her father told her something,

Something that changed everything.

"I am not your father" He said,

"In fact, your father may be dead,"

"But the point here is not that, but this:"

"I have a pink rose, to give it to you would be sheer bliss."

Sydney contemplated a while,

Then, on her face, there grew a smile.

"We shall exchange flowers, father dear,"

"And any objections to this, I will not hear."

They had their fun in a large room,

It went as fast as a car going ZOOM!

And then they were happy, and blissed out,

And then Sydney gave a shout:

"I shall still be with Vaughn!" She said

"Even though you say he is dead."

"That never stopped him, so it shall not stop me."

And that is the end of this pathetic story.


	28. Chapter 28

Email 35

One of the "CIA's Sexiest"

Name: Michael Vaughn.

Age: 33

Height: 6 ft.

Status: Always getting it on with a certain double agent.

Residence: Los Angeles, or S.B.'s bed, figuratively, as they rarely do it in bed.

Agency: Secret agency SICO

Education: Attended sex education every year through school.

The Scoop: Michael really enjoys getting it on with women. He doesn't enjoy getting it on with men, much. Once he got it on with a certain Sexy Yugoslavian part time waitress/part time prostitute Transvestite who was dressed up as a man. He has also gotten it on with one of 'the man''s underlings, a man named Shawn Sarc. He and Sydney were going through a little fight at that time. He also once enjoyed getting it on with the incredibly beautiful, sexy, wonderful, sensual, sweet, better in bed than Sydney, amazing, courteous, smart, nice, babeolicious and cool Rachel. But his constant bed-partner (though it has been previously mentioned that they rarely do it in bed) is a double agent named Sydney Bristow. He is her Handler.

In his own words: "Why the heck are you asking me all these questions, I'm not under my bi-yearly physical, am I? Well then why are you asking me how long? I never measured, only sick, self-conscious people do that! Fine, it's blocked out for his saftey feet long. Of course I'm serious. No, I didn't measure it, Syd did." Says Vaughn, Apart from his equipment size, "my secret favorite thing on earth is ketchup. I will put ketchup on anyone, and then lick it off. But it has to be Heinz."

The ideal woman: "Dead, NO! wait, I didn't say that, I've never gotten it on with anyone dead." Adds his partner Sydney Bristow: "Secretly, I hope it's me. I really want to keep getting it on with him for a long time.

What a catch: "He's smart, funny and handsome," says Bristow. "And when he speaks French, forget it, I can't help from ripping his clothes off and getting it on with him right there!"


	29. Chapter 29

Email 36

"Hello, may I speak to Mr. Vartan?"

"This is he?"

"Yes, well, this is the producer of Alias."

"Oh really,"

"We would like to inform you that your contract with this show has ended."

"I AM FIRED???"

"Yes, that's right. We couldn't think of anything to do with your character so we just cut him."

"I don't believe this. So what? Vaughn just dies???"

"Yes, Syd gets a new handler, her husband needed work after Felicity

was cancelled so Mr. Foley will be the new and improved Handler."

"You know what? that is just fine! I can do much better than this stupid show good bye."

Three weeks later.

"Hello, may I speak to Mr. Vartan?"

"This is his boyfriend, Mike is busy with his ketchup. Can you

tell me who's calling so he can call ya back."

"This is the producer of SICO, Ms. Annica Berliner. We would like

to know if Mr. Vartan whould like to audition to be part of our show."

"Oh, ok. I'll just get him for you."-puts down phone 'My sexy CIA

handler some people want to know if you will audition for their

show. Gosh you look fab standing there nakid with ketchup all over you."

"Thanks, I'll get it" Vartan picks up the phone. "Hello?"

"Hello, I am Annica Berliner. My friend and I have wrote this really

great show for HBO called SICO, we think you would be perfect in the rold of Vaughn."

"Vaughn, I already played Vaughn on ABC's Alias."

"WE know, but our's is much better than Alias. WE have created

a perfect show, the audiences will love it. Get this, Vaughn doesn't

die. He couldn't! How could our Sydney, played by Pamala Anderson live with out her partner."

"Seriously? I would love to come out and play Vaughn."

"No, not so fast. We are auditioning Brad Pitt for the role. We

think we might get him, things haven't been going very well with

him and Jennifer. Rumor has it, that he needs some 'action' if you know what I mean."

"oh, i see?"

"WE could try you out for Will? You would be perfect as WIll?"

"WIll, I am downsized to WIll??? Gosh, if you are going to do that

to me, why not just cast me as Francie, I could play a better woman than play Will."

"Yes, we know that. But we got that lady from the View to play

Francie. Just come on out and audition. WE will see where you best fit."

"Fine."

Vartan hangs up the phone. "Brad, how long did you know about this SICO show?"

"Oh not too long sweethart. Oh shoot what time is it?"

"I don't know," Vartan glances at his watch, "half past six."

"Great, I have to make an appearance with Jennifer at the opening

of her new movie, "it sure can be a pain, these arranged marriages and everthing."

"Yeah, you better go."

Vartan thinks to himself-"gosh, if they think Brad would play a

better Vaughn than me,,,they are mistaken. A guy who has never

been with a woman in his entire life. Oh the rath of bisextuals." Smiles Vartan.

Meanwhile, Brad does things he has never done before with a chair. He was bored!

Who will be cast as the nasty Vaughn...

Email 37

At the movie opening. "Brad, can't you at least hold my hand? I

mean, soon everyone is going to find out that you're gay and that

this was only a mairage for apperances."

"Jennifer, I don't care, you know that I'm in love with Mike, I

don't want to cheat on him." Brad suddenly thinks about the chair

he got it on with before he left for the opening. But the chair wasn't alive, so it was ok.

"Fine." She said. "I think i'm getting a divorce from you soon.

God, I mean, I can get some good publicity if i pretend that I

actually loved you, and that you just discovered that you're gay..."

Jennifer loses herself in thought. "Yes, I think that that woudl

be good. I could have a new society mairage in a month, and then

I'd get more benefits out of this mairage appart than together.

Maybe I could even get married to my old co-star. What's his name, that guy...um..."

"I'm leaving." Brad said. "Have fun divorcing me."

"I will." She said, motioning to him vaguely.

THE NEXT DAY AT BRAD'S AUDITION:

"Like, Ok, do you want me to read something, or what?" Brad asked

the producer who was in charge of cast, who happened to be naked.

"Actually." The producer, Rachel, said. "The fact is that you won't

be talking much on the show, the thing you'll be doing most will

be, um, getting it on." Rachel turned a bright shade of red. "And

as such, we need to audition you for how long you can keep it up,

that is, keep going...that is, um, get it on, how long you can get it on."

"Oh." Brad said. "I didn't realize what kind of a show this is.

Are you saying that i'd have to get it on with a woman?"

"Yes." Rachel said.

"Oh." Brad said. "I can't, I'm sorry."

"Well drat." Rachel said. "Woudl you be adverse to getting it on wiht a chair?"

"No." Brad said. "I actually just did so yesterday afternoon."

"Well then, We'll call you back in a couple of days." Rachel sat

down on a sofa. "You can go now."

Brad left, and saw Mike walk in.

Mike got the part of Vaughn, needless to say. Brad was cast as

(who else) will, and it was all good.


	30. Chapter 30

Email 38

PREVIEW

Lori-"This is trading spaces, of course we don't let the guests

have any suggestions. But, well, because you are Sydney...I mean'kate'

and you fight for the sextual rights of all people. I will let

you add one idea to this project for Michael Vaughn's bathroom."

Syd-"Really? Well honestly I know what would help him get relaxed."

Lori-"Oh, yes what? Patterns, silk pillows, strip down lights?"

Syd-"Well, I think the last thing he might like...but no, what he

would really like is nakid manicans to hang from the ceiling."

Lori-"Uh, that is funny...manicans...that would be a first for trading spaces"

Syd-"Oh, but make sure that they are dead."

Francie-"Syd, manicans are dead."

Syd-"They are! Perfect!"

Email 39

"You know Vaughn." Sydney said. "recently when I've been chatting,

people always say 'LOL' to me, it doesn't make any sense!"

"Sydney, LOL, in laymans terms Means 'laugh out loud' to everyone

but...well, our orginizations."

"What does it mean to our orginizations?" Sydney asked, while doing

something...interesting...to Vaughns ear.

"Well, my dear, to The Central Intercourse Agency, and the Sexual-Domination

Unit Six, it means 'Love On Line', you see?"

"VAUGHN!" She screamed. "That's why everyone at work keeps im'ing

me, and sayign "Lol-Question mark" They want to cyber me!"

"No, well, yes, but Syd, you'd only LOL with me though, right?"

"Vaughn, you know that that's stupid."

"I know, but i wanted to check your infidelity. I'm so pleased."

"Good." She said, smiling, then doing something interesting with his nose... "Lol tonight?"

"Oh yeah!" the he smiled. "Online, everyone's dead."

He cackled, and then got online, looking at his kind of porn. Morgue photography.

Email 40

Ellen is taking a shower when all of a sudden this really scary

music starts to play and Vaughn comes into the shower and stabs

her three times. BUMP BUMP BUMP!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhh

Ellen is dead.

Vaughn-"She just doesn't except me for who I am. Always complaining

about what and who I do. Or who writes about what and who I do.

Now I have finally come to grips. Ellen just doesn't love me. But I love her."

He does Ellen

The End


	31. Chapter 31

Email 41

The day Ellen came into the office was when Vaughn met his sigh "Twu luv"

Unfortunately, when he met her, he was getting it on with another

woman, and, well, Vaughn has problems with um, stopping, when he's

in the middle of soemthing, so he didn't, and lost his twu luv forever...or so he thought...

Then, one day, he found her at the supermarket. "Ellen!" HE yelled

out. She started to run, but he was too fast for her.

"GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!" She yelled right after he tackled her.

"But eye luv ewe!" He said. "You must come home with me to get it on with me."

"NO!" She yelled. "I'VE TAKEN A VOW OF CELIBACY, for lent."

"So, we only have to wait, um," He turned to the priest next to

them and they conversed for a second, then turned back to Ellen. "Twelve days."

"So, you'll wait twelve days, with no sex, for me?" She asked.

Once he pulled his jaw off of the floor, and then rolled up his

tongue, he said: "HELL NO! What made you think that i woudl be

exclusive in the first place?"

"Well...if i'm your twu luv, well, you should be."

"No, i shoudln't." He siad.

"I guess you're the same person Rachel and Annica make you out to be then, aren't you?"

"Who are 'Rachel and Annica'?"

"These girls i hang out with...if i'm not mistaken, you were with

one of them...maybe Rachel...or annica, but i think she was with

Syd, and they were together once, um, and vampires, or soemthing,

um, yeah, it's confusing...but that's them."

"Oh!" He said, "I think i remember them, i got it on with tthem when they were dead."

"Wait." Ellen said. "You get it on with dead people?"

"Um, no." He said. "Why would you think soemthing like that?"

"YOu just said so. I'm not stupid you know."

"I know." Vaughn said. "Eye luv yur mind."

"Good." She said. "But eye don't luv ewe at all."

"sigh" Vaun said, then kissed her, but she was running away before

their lips connected. "We will meet again My luv." He yelled after her.

And they did.


End file.
